Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully from spot. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

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  A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")

  
  


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  Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Certainly, sure, let us have another area in which American men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: give Anyone a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

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  Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

  
  


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  Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

  
  


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  A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

  
  

"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he should end using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the challenge, replied, "You recognize, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." Trump Tower Damascus The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from House, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Attributes

Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

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  A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder vague disappointment

  
  


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  A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Regulate established to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

  
  

Area Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They may Occur"

The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."